If you are in a relationship, you know that fights are part of the territory. It happens in every healthy relationship. Unfortunately, during a lovers quarrel, rationality is often the furthest thing from our minds.
It begs the question - how do you go through a fight with your partner without causing irreparable harm to them emotionally and ruining your relationship? Here are a few helpful tips.
The first thing to ask yourself before you initiate or get into an argument with your partner is whether it's necessary in the first place. Sometimes it's better to ignore minor issues that don't really matter in the bigger scheme of things. If you quarrel over everything from leaving dishes in the sink to leaving the toilet seat up, your relationship will not be much fun.
However, if you do find that something is too bothersome to let go, approach the issue wisely. Instead of expressing your feelings to your partner during an argument while you are still boiling with negative emotions - take a step back. Give it enough time so that your anger, sadness, and disappointment dissipate, and you can avoid saying hurtful things that can worsen the situation.
Of course, giving the situation some breathing space doesn't always work. Sometimes, even after a while, you still feel like you want to scream your lungs out at your partner. If you feel like this, find a healthy and safe way to let out your frustrations before addressing the issue at hand.
Some people, feel more rational after a good cry. If you are religious, it's good to take a step back and pray or read the bible. Find what works for you and get that initial anger, sadness, and disappointment out of the way so you can stay calm.
Once you are reasonably calm, it's time to address the problem with your spouse. Choose a good time when you can talk about it without interruptions in a relaxing, private place. Do not allow other people to be referees or spectators during your argument.
During your discussion, start by re-affirming your love for your spouse. Next, express your problem making sure to use words like "I feel. Avoid blaming and finger-pointing. Stay in the present and keep from using statements like - "you always or you never do this and that." It will only make your partner defensive.
Name- calling and expressing contempt for your partner will not work. Clearly outline what your partner did that made you angry or sad. Tell him/her how it made you feel and how you would prefer he/she change for the better. Look at the problem together and find a way to solve it while on the same side.
As you talk to your partner avoid raising your voice. Give him/her a chance to speak and give you their side of the story. It works when both of you take turns speaking for no more than a minute or address one thing at a time. An excellent tool to use is a talking stick. It is a piece of stick you give to each other during your discussion. This allows for the person to feel they have the time to talk and focuses the other person into a listening role.
You can only speak when you have the talking stick; otherwise, you have to listen to the one holding it. It works because often, arguments escalate when couples try to speak over each other. Just avoid throwing the stick at each other, please!
Once you face the problem, talk about it, and propose a solution, you may find that your partner does not feel it is a workable solution. In return, he/she may suggest a different solution to the problem. Here you both need to compromise to meet each other in the middle. If you are in a relationship where you empathize with each other and value each other’s opinion, compromise is easy to achieve.
After hushing out the argument, it's a good idea to do something to reconnect. Hugs, kisses and other forms of intimate connections are a great way to end a fight after hushing it out. It helps you and your partner to feel that all is right with your relationship and get back on even ground.
These are a few tips on how to avoid hurting your partner during an argument. Following these tips will help the two of you learn and grow as a couple regardless of quarrels and arguments and keep your bond strong.
Find your own rhythm and pattern of communication. As couples grow together, communication habits are formed. It helps to create healthy patterns early on. After all, arguments will always happen, how we deal with them it’s what matters.